This morning I was checking out all the happenings in New Orleans. That town will have a party/parade if a cloud floats by. Therefore, I am fascinated by the things people will take vacation time, travel thousands of miles and spend a ton of money to attend.
Already this month, there has been a New Orleans style "Running of the Bulls." It involves roller derby gals all dressed cute with those opera hats with the big horns. They chase men dressed in all white with the red scarf. It resembles the street run in Spain, except we don't have real bulls. So if running around in ninety degree weather with ninety per cent humidity, appeals to you come on down next year.
But wait, it gets so much better! New Orleans just had a party that should have caught my interest years ago, seeing as how I am endlessly fascinated by people's sex lives. Now, know I don't want to be an active participant, I would just like to have been a fly on the wall for this one. I much prefer my sex life be sort of the garden variety type, in my bedroom with the lights off (remember I'm not 20 years old) with my husband. I would just be a wall flower at this gathering. It is-are you ready for this"" THE NAUGHTY IN N'AWLINS" swingers convention.
I studied this web site, I knew I had a story here. Always like to report on sleazy.
This convention was held over several days and had a full schedule of activities. I ain't making this crap up. They kick off with a parade, where else, but on Bourbon Street. It would have been no different than other parade in the French Quarters. No matter the theme, you're gonna see naughty .
Several years ago I was hit in the head at a parade with a two foot long sperm made of paper mache right there on Bourbon. There I was minding my own business when a man wearing fake breasts and a thong ran up and almost gave me a concussion. A friend went down to ride in the Easter parade and ended up on the bar at Chris Owen's strip club. She left home in her conserative Easter dress and one of those big straw hats and is still trying to live that day down. I understand there are photos.
But I've been hanging in the Quarter's for over forty years, I never knew they had swingers' clubs. This parade ends at one of these clubs. Believe me, my next trip, I'll at least, walk past it and try and see through the door. If I went inside, I wouldn't know the rules for swingers and I'd die if I was approached for a quick dalliance. And, I'd just have the flaming red-ass if no one desired me. It's always nice to have options.
There was some sort of costume party each night. Again, on the surface, nothing shocking since half of the Quarters is filled with people in costumes, beads and such on any ordinary day. And there are several shops on Bourbon Street selling all sorts of skimpy clothes and objects that normally found in the top of decent peoples' closet, where the kids can't find'em. So if you find you haven't brought the "right" clothes, you can make a quick purchase. It would be interesting to see how to dress up or dress down all the leather clothes with the studs and chains. Are you under dressed if you don't have the little short black whip? With some of the equipment they sell, I'd have to have an instruction book.
There's a hotel who offers special package deals for people attending the festival. Lord, I hope there is some sort of warning given to the people coming into town for a regular family vacation. I know there was a library convention the next weekend, and folks usually come early to take in the sights. Tourist come down for the shock value of New Orleans, but explaining swingers to the kids might be difficult. Personally, I won't be staying at this hotel ever again. It'll take more than clean sheets for me to ignore its history.
NOTE-Further on in the web site, I see that the hotel will not book anyone except swingers for the week. The guests are not allowed to be naked and have sex in the halls and other public areas of the hotel. They had to actually post this rule on the web site.
I will stop here and give a moment of silence to the housekeeping staff at this hotel. No one should have to clean those rooms without haz-mat suits. As a nurse, I know the importance of wearing gloves and even face masks when needed.
On the web site some people have the good sense to just share a short comment without a photo. "We had so much fun last year, looking forward to making new friends this year."
Some photos are the semi-naked, fat and old. After a certain age most of us know clothes do more to flatter us than the half-naked look. Just because you can doesn't always mean you should. But scattered among them are the photos of ordinary looking people. One could have passed as a preacher and his school teacher wife. I checked every last photo, but didn't see one person I knew. Thank you Lord. Imagine finding a photo of your neighbor or family member.
But finding a familiar face sure would have made you next family party interesting. When your wife's uncle and aunt showed up after their vacation you could have a blast.
"So, I hear you two went to New Orleans. What did you do? Met any interesting people? Did you see much of them? Attend any parades or parties? Where did you stay? Wasn't that the week of the big swingers' convention? Let us see your photos." Then you would just sit back and wait for them to sweat.
I didn't mean for this essay to go on for so long, but while checking my facts on the site, I see there is more I need to share. And if you have stuck with me this far, I know you want details.
The first night there was a dinner at a local restaurant. You must know the secret knock to get into the room. In case you ever need it-three knocks, pause and three knocks.
A reception will be held for people going on a future swingers' cruise, sort of get to know each other. I would think all of that is redundant with swingers.
A Black Magic Ball was held. They suggested you wear all black and shop the local voodoo shop for your chicken bones and special spirits. No, they don't say what you do with the bones.
There is a schedule of seminars. I couldn't make this stuff up. It takes sex education to a whole new level. Below are the highlights.
TRACE ONE-S & M
1. Beginning Bondage-the name says it all.
2. Flogging for the Beginner-this seminar will teach you how to use that little whip, so go ahead and spring for one when you are getting that little black S&M outfit.
3. Whips, Floggers and Lollipops-I can't even write about this. I don't even understand most of it.
4. Rope Bondage-basic and advanced. They will teach several different Japanese knots.
TRACE TWO-TANTRA
Note-I have no idea what the hell this is
1. Tantra Track-massage class to be held in a Tantra Temple and will have a spiritual atmosphere. Special focus on massages for women for relaxation and whatever...... maybe this is where they teach the massage with the happy ending.
2. Group massage-nothing I can add to this
TRACE THREE-EDUCATION
1. Education for the beginning couples-more experienced couples educated to make the swinging experience more positive. Also, taught how to host conventions and " meet and greets" of your very own.
2. Intermediate Swinging-taught basic swinging etiquette
Late one night there was a pizza and theme room party. Some of the themes are the Tantra Room the Dungeon, the Chocolate Room and Ladies Only Room.
A strip club was a gathering place. There was an "Amateurs Only" stripper pole and you were welcome to strip down to your G-string.
A King and Queen was crowned. There were no details about what it takes to get crowned. Just let your imagination run wild and you will be fairly close to the truth.
There were to be live remote broadcast and live web cams. Now, I'm not up on the web cams and such. But this sounds like trouble. Wait 'til the folks back home see this.
I wish I had a smart ass ending to this essay.....but I don't. And I know that several of you might be able to give me more personal information about this lifestyle. Please don't, I'm a grandmother.
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