MY LATEST FASCINATION

In America we no longer have bad manners or bad behavior. Everything that will get you a divorce or put you jail is no longer your fault. Get in trouble and head for the nearest recovery clinic. Everyone will praise you for getting help for your illness. I am endlessly fascinated with the sex addiction support groups and clinics that are popping up everywhere.

What with Tiger and Sandra Bullock's husband, this is the latest pop culture illness. In the old days, we called this kind of person, whore or whore monger. We didn't know how sick these people were. I do remember yelling at some old boyfriend who slept with my friend that he was a sick, sick, bastard. I need to look him up and apologize, and see if he's had treatment. I don't normally yell at the sick.

The fear of going to hell or getting pregnant kept me from catching this illness when I was younger. Guess I was practicing preventive medicine. By the time they were sixteen, several of my gal pals, must have been suffering from sexual addiction. They sure looked happy and had dates galore. This must be the happiest illness in the medical books. Who knew?

I don't know why or how some people get addicted to sex. What is the cut off line between normal and addiction? Is it ok to have sex with one person a year or can you have up to six, or sixty per year? Is it like heroin, can you get addicted the first time you do it? I know I really, really liked it the first time, but I was able to control myself and not go after my friend's men or pick up strangers in bars.

There seems to be a difference between men and women and their sexual behavior. If women have lots of sex they can turn it into a business. If they're smart they end up with lots of good jewelry and owning a beach house. I've always wanted a beach house.

Men used to get along ok, unless someone got pregnant, or their wife caught them. They could usually pick up a woman at the corner bar or stop for a twenty dollar quickie on their way home from work. Today with all the cameras, the internet, and twenty-four hour cable TV it isn't easy to be sneaky, especially if you are a well known personality. Plus, it can cost a lot of money to support this "illness." Just like with drugs.

Apparently Tiger Woods was paying women not only for sex, but to keep their mouths shut. He flew them around the world, paid for the finest hotels, paid their rent, it was endless. It didn't work. Those women spilled their guts when the first camera was pushed in their face. They were shocked there were other women and a wife in his life. They want us to believe they were just the gal next door who fell for this man's lies. "He said he loved me. I thought I was the only one."

When Tiger disappeared into the sex clinic in Mississippi, I was surprised. Not that he was a coward and turned tail and ran from all the women, including his wife. I just didn't think he had an illness. Most of us were pretty sure it was just a rich good old boy who got caught with his winky in all the wrong places. We could understand that, but we thought his wife had the best cure for him. Beating the hell out of him with a golf club can do wonders. Works better than sitting in a circle for group therapy talking about how they just never felt loved.

How would you like to be a fly on the wall and watch all of these sex addicts all gathered together under one roof? That clinic must be like the mother ship for these people. Bet it sure got busy about two a.m. with everyone hooking up and then feeling bad about it. But there is always another group therapy later that morning.

I was shocked that Mississippi even needed a sex clinic. Women in the South have been shooting wayward men for years and years. It works every time. They either kill'em or scared them to death. Either way, the sex addiction was cured. From then on the woman only had to walk into a room and pat her purse with the .38 pistol inside. Even today the cops down here don't have the stomach to mess with a done-wrong woman. Tiger's wife just scared the dickens out of them. You can't subdue a woman swinging a golf club. And they know you can't outrun a bullet.

Like drugs, it seems there is a favorite kind of sex for each person. Tiger liked women that looked like what they were, cheap. Jesse James, Sandra's husband, liked tattoos, especially, politically incorrect ones. Nothing like a swastika to get the juices flowing.

I know I have sort of rambled on but I still can't get my mind around the idea of this being an addiction/illness. With alcohol you have a headache, your hands shake, and you throw up. At least you end up sick, right? Choose your drug and you choose your symptoms, shaking, throwing up, sores up and down your arms, all the way to a full coma. Once again you end up sick. If you suffer with any of these symptoms after lots and lots of sex, you just ain't doing it right. There is just no quick punishment for your "illness" therefore I refuse to call it anything except what it is....bad poorly thought out selfish behavior.

However, if you get caught doing the Tiger thing, head for the nearest clinic. Might just save you from getting shot. I understand they have guards at the door to stop irate spouses.